This blog post is long overdue. I should have posted it on June 6th, but alas I did not. You wouldn't believe it but it has actually taken this long for me to figure out what I want to say.
When we got the first call that Thursday morning, I'll admit, I was scared, but it was early and you were at the hospital and I thought with a lot of positive thoughts, prayers and the doctors help, things would be okay.
By noon, with the updates, I knew there was trouble, and I knew deep in my heart that the day would not end well, but I didn't tell anyone. Oh Jess, I couldn't say anything negative to anyone, so instead of lying, I simply said "Labor isn't officially started until the water breaks" Which of course since your water had not broken, everyone thought it meant things could still turn around.
But of course, I knew it wasn't meant to be. And when we got the final call that afternoon, the call that Caleb had arrived, it broke my heart. It broke my heart because I know how you loved that little boy. I know how you wanted him and made plans for him (even if you thought he was a girl for your entire 17 weeks!)
I struggled for hours about coming to see you. Of course, I had no babysitter or options because the only people who were available to babysit that day were already at the hospital with you or elsewhere. So it was either not visit OR take the girls with me. I wasn't sure how you would feel about me bringing the girls to the hospital right after you had just lost your baby and I felt like a heel doing so.
Then Jay got to work to pick me up. And he didn't know. We had all thought the other had told him, and he declared immediately "We have to go. We have to get to the hospital"
And so we came. Both girls along for the ride. And you know, I think it shows just what type of person you are that you relished seeing my daughters, even in the hours of losing your son. You smiled at them and hugged them and laughed with them.
And you were so proud, showing off your pictures of Caleb. I have to admit, I was a little afraid to look. I wasn't sure what I would see, and I know that probably sounds heartless, but I've never been there before(delivering @ only 17.5 weeks). But you wanted to show him to me, so I wanted to look. Simple as that. It was such a minimal thing for you to want at this astronomical time in your life.
I have to tell you, that I don't know what I was afraid of, He was perfect. A perfect sweet little angel. He was only on this earth for a few moments, but he was truly something special, Jess. A real miracle. A real blessing. And I am glad to have known him through you.
May he dance with the angels always. May he look down at you and know how loved he was. And may we all never forget that sweet little boy.
I love you both. All three of you.
Caleb Alexander J. 06/05/2008-06/05/2008
An angel in the book of life wrote down this baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for earth.
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